Tuesday, June 17, 2008

"you may well arrive at the conclusion that planets are ubiquitous." But Why Would You Want To?

European astronomers have located three so-called 'Super Earths' 42 light years from us.

Artist's impression of the trio of super-Earths discovered by an European team using the HARPS spectrograph on ESO's 3.6-m telescope at La Silla, Chile, after 5 years of monitoring. The three planets, having 4.2, 6.7, and 9.4 times the mass of the Earth, orbit the star HD 40307 with periods of 4.3, 9.6, and 20.4 days, respectively. (Credit: ESO)

What the article doesn't tell you* is that all three have made contact with Earth already. The largest planet sent an envoy who seemed eerily familiar to the astronomers:

His message was drowned out by the schoolgirl-esque shrieking from the German contingent present in the room*2.

The second-largest sent this message along with what appears to be an image of their
"The Royal Family extends it's greetings. Party up! USA! USA! USA!"

And the smallest sent this guy:

"Hiya. My Dad sent me to pick up some dodos we forgot to take with us in the last rapture. Anybody seen 'em?"

Perhaps not coincidentally, the tomb of Ronald Reagan exploded*3, revealing his mummy. Not surprisingly, it has begun speaking to passers by:

"Now who's overreacting, you SDI naysayers! I was worried about Darth Vader or other forthcoming Sith Lords*4, and you've got to deal with a Knight Rider planet, space alcoholics and a disappointed Jesus*5." and "Speaking of Jesus; how come I'm not with you, Big J? Oh. Right. Never mind."

* Damned, monkey-run media!

*2 Like Norm MacDonald says, "Germans love David Hasselhoff."

*3 The eldritch power used to bind presidents in their tombs is spotty in the best of times. Thanks, El Nino!

*4 Reagan gained his extensive Star Wars knowledge while attending key parties at George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch in the cocaine-addled 1980s.

*5 'Disappointed Jesus' is my newest goth band name.

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