Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

Skeletor: Political Pundit

Hello, America. I am Skeletor. Rightful Lord of Eternia and fighter for freedom against Prince Adam and his repressive regime. I’ve been told that my adventures have been serialized in television and comic book form as He-Man and The Masters of the Universe. What a television is, I do not know. Justin has graciously allowed me to pontificate on his ‘log’ today to address a topic vital to your national prosperity*.

It’s a what? Blog? B-L-O-G? What the shit is a blog?

Mmhmm…….ah……hmmm……really? Web log? Is that like what Webstor uses to sneak into Castle Grayskull? No? Ummm, help me out here. Internet? Magic images and words flying into boxes using electricity? What’s electricity? Is that like a torch? Never mind. It’s beside the point!

"Web log? Nope. Just webs. I can web a log if you'd like, my lord."

No, I’m not being stubborn! You’re being stubborn! Fine! Whatever! Magic boxes filled with ideas and opinions. Sounds great. I didn’t know how people all over the world could read a stump, but now I see what I did there. Aaaanyway.

I have it on good authority; namely intelligence gathered from the ‘enhanced interrogation’ of Man-At-Arms, that one of the humans seeking to become your leader, John McCain, is having difficulty picking a running mate. I know; he chose Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. She’s conservative, she’s tough on community organizers*2, she’s got an ever-expanding brood, she’s a slam run, right? Home dunk? Forgive me, I don’t follow your various ball games. Either way, Palin is a strong choice. Or is she?!

"Guantana-what? Where's my lawyer?"

Personally, I don’t get the whole running mate thing in the first place. Who wants someone else in the room when they make the peasants do ‘the sexy dance’ for a flagon of water? That’s personal. But, it’s your screwed up system, I’m just here to tell you how to think.

Palin. The name sounds good. Pale. Pale is good. Pale is like white, and we all know that only white people will be voting in the election. Take it further; ‘pailin’, as in pailin’ some water to dunk dissident faces into. On the other hand you’ve got Biden. Biden sounds like ‘bidin’’. Biding your time until you can raise taxes! Zing! Take that tax-ocrats! Or maybe it’s more like ‘biting’. Biting the multinational corporate hands that feed you! Who wants a Vice President who won’t play ball games with big interests. They call them interests because they’re interesting! Don’t bite them!

By the way, I know some of you have marveled at Palin’s previous comments wondering what a Vice President does all day. Give her a break; do you know?! I know I didn’t know until I thought about it as a known unknown and then I knew*3. Vice President is the President of Vice. The President of Evil. Just look at the current Vice President if you doubt me. Dick Cheney wages wars to pad his wallet and secure the distribution rights to oil from a region that keeps this country embroiled in ethnic and cultural battles that have been going on for generations and show little sign of stopping. Beautiful. He orchestrates the outing of an intelligence official for being married to a critic of his war efforts. Nice! He shot an old man in the face! What more could you ask for*4! That’s some good Vice Presidenting right there!

Now, Evil-Lyn aside, I’m not a big fan of women in government. In fact, keep this on the QT but, she used to be a dude. She was known as Jerkus. True story. But, she’s an evil sorceress, so what can you do? If she wasn’t a part of my ruling cabinet, she’d probably cause ‘little Skeletor’ to fall off or something. You people have decided to let women participate in your government, so you’ve got your rope; just don’t hang yourself with it when they nag. Am I right, fellas? Heh.

"'Little Skeletor' is right."

Playful misogyny, what a wonderful thing. Now, down to brass tacks. Sarah Palin seems like a good choice, but there are many others to choose from when her scandals force her to ‘voluntarily’ remove herself from the ticket*5.

1) Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum

He’s got name recognition among the kids.

"I am Santorum."

2) Current Vice President Dick Cheney

Bet you didn’t know there isn’t a two-term limit for Vice President! Ha! Keep the dream alive, Dick!

"I wanna crush some bunnies!"

3) Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld

He knows how to go to war, and you just know he’s chomping at the bit to ‘regime change’ the fuck out of some Eternians...uh I meant Iranians.

"Why isn't your skull exploding?!"

4) Political columnist and author Ann Coulter

Yeah, she’s a woman, but the Evil-Lyn exception applies to her on the

basis of the voodoo powers she exhibits by continually finding a publisher for her increasingly entertaining neocon screeds.

"If you read each one of my books, you'll get progressively dumber. It's called 'preparation for the next Ann Coulter book'."

5) Beast Man

He may be an incompetent ninny, but he knows how to toe the conservative line better than Joe Lieberman. Also, he’s a member of the key ‘orange ape-man’ demographic. With him on the ticket, you will win every state in the union that has a tropical jungle area.

"Orange ape-men love forced democracy!"

So, there you have it. My suggestions for a McCain VP. You may ask yourself, or me, ‘Why no Karl Rove?’ Simple. He’s advising my campaign and you can’t have him. This is Skeletor, signing off.

The opinions of Skeletor do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Name Escapes Me.

* In fact, the graciousness of his allowance had more to do with the sleeping gas emitted by Kobra Khan, the snake man.

"Just let it happen, Riley."

*2 Eat it, people trying to help other people!

*3 Did somebody say “Poet Laureate”?

*4 Keep in mind, puppy kicking is impossible for a man with balls as big as Cheney’s.

*5 Let’s face it; Palin’s got more baggage than a Polygamist Mormon family on vacation.