Talkin' 'Bout The Good Ol' Days - M.U.S.C.L.E.

I've been getting these tiny figures for Neil lately called Gormiti. They're from Belgium or Zaire, or some other place. Of course, I get them because Neil likes them; my feelings have no place in the matter.*

But they'd set me half-remembering toys from when I was a kid. Being old, I couldn't quite get a handle on them. Google to the rescue! Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere. They were tiny and pink and seemed at the time to be wrestlers. Intergalactic alien, robot, superhero wrestlers.*2

Of course, nowadays, tiny figures have the luxury of being painted and existing to battle over the fate of Gorm. Gormiti belong to one of six tribes, each nature-themed.*3 There's epic destiny and ecological concern for today's five year old. Me, I just wanted to make weird guys beat each other up to prove their worth.*4 Take young me to the corner store, steer me past the Pocket Rockers*5 and over to the M.U.S.C.L.E. guys, buy me a Snickers bar I could stick in the freezer and throw in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comic book and I'm good.

With the recent resurgence of all things Eighties, from He-Man to The Smurfs, it's just a matter of time before M.U.S.C.L.E. returns. Maybe this time around they'll make the figures action-ready and forgo the 'hands on hips' pose of power that didn't allow for making the figure punch.*6

This has been "Talkin' 'Bout The Good Ol' Days", the preeminent thrice-apostrophized blog series on the interweb.





* That's the official line, but I'm enough of a geek that I look forward to new ones at least as much as he does.

*2 I don't know what 'Lurking' had to do with wrestling, but then again, there weren't 'Millions' of them either. Hundreds, maybe, but that would have made for an awkward acronym. H.U.S.C.L.E. connotes a different type of wrestling entirely.

*3 Yes, sectarian violence is everywhere. Even in Gorm. Give me the good old days when it was "G.I. Joe against Cobra, the enemy, fighting to save the day". You knew where you stood. You were "fighting for freedom over land and air". Never mind securing the oceans. The Joe team had Shipwreck, but he obviously wasn't a competent sailor. The first clue is that he was saddled with a codename denoting naval failure.

*4 I was a tiny roman emperor, but nobody won their freedom.

*5 I remember that the commercials for Pocket Rockers used CCR's "Down On The Corner", excising any reference to Willy and the Poorboys. Tragic in retrospect, but I was untroubled at the time, having no concept of John Fogerty's copyright battles with his record label. Now I know better and kind of hate Fisher Price a bit for forever linking the jingle with the song in my mind.

*6 Headbutts are a nice change of pace, but everybody knows that haymakers win intergalactic wrestling bouts.

Joyous Season Of Giving

Sure, they probably won't be 'door busters'.........

1) The Back Fat-alizer
"It's just a re-purposed backpack leaf blower", you say?. Not if you've got the back of a fat guy. Fill the tank with diesel, strap it on and vibrate your way to a smooth and sexy spine.

2) Where's Your Messiah Now?: A Norwegian Death Metal Holiday
Featuring Santaface, The Doom Carolers, Electric Viking Funeral,
The Headless Children of Oslo Choir, and many more.

3) Delicious Replacements Edible Prostheses
Do you find yourself forgetting to bring dessert to family gatherings due to your psychological scarring after 'the incident'? Out on an impromptu 'survivors picnic' when your sweet tooth starts acting up? Here's the answer you've been hoping for (other than a magical restoration of your wholeness)! Available in milk chocolate, dark chocolate, vanilla, and cinnamon.

4) Fancy Shmancy I'm A Writer Kit
Want everyone to know you write? What better way then by telling them in every way possible? Kit includes a near professional-quality photograph of you in a variety of backdrops; - leaning against the hood of your vintage car, - with your cat glasses hanging alluringly by a stem from your teeth, - underlit extreme close-up to make you look dangerous, - on a bridge in Prague, the cold no match for the devastating cold in your soul, - with goofy, just woke up hair that says "I'm THAT ambivalent", and others. Along with the dynamic photograph, there are seven different book formats available to affix it to the back of (Books do not come pre-written; that's your job). Also included, a prepared obituary to fit your aspirations; available in Gonzo Journalist, World-Weary Traveler, Dynamic Futurist, Manly Hooker Beater, Gay Terrorist, Criminal Writing From Death Row, Spunky Manhattanite, Foreign National With A Far Better Appreciation of America's Promise, Slam Poet and Cougar. More styles to come!

5) MegaFun Stabby Ball
It's like Hot Potato, except someone gets stabbed. For ages 4 and up - any younger and they just don't appreciate the danger they're in.

6) Personal Racist Monkey
Hate people based on geographic or cultural differences but don't want to be 'that guy'? Now you can let your racist monkey do your dirty work for you! Trained to hate using the most cutting-edge behavioral modification programs, racist monkeys come with a variety of crude t-shirts espousing their/your views, and are the perfect scape goats! Coming Soon: Sanctity of Marriage Parrots!

7) One Man Bailout Kit
Need a hand up, but don't own a multinational corporation?! Now there's hope for you!! From subterfuge to criminal enterprise, The OMB Kit has you covered!!! This kit includes fancy letterhead appliques, forged balance statements regarding your many 'offshore holdings', 'letters' from your 'workers' promising violent retribution for your pissing away of their 401ks, and if all else fails, a stiletto and a .38 special.

8) Things To Do Desk Planner
An attractive imitation leather planner with a different scientific, artistic, medical or social breakthrough listed on each day. Accompanying these achievements are special motivational messages such as: "What have YOU done today?", "...but eating Cheetos and watching the America's Next Top Model marathon is good, too.", "For some people, just avoiding jail time is an accomplishment.", and "Wonder if anyone would even care enough to check your house and make sure you haven't died."

9) Baby, I've Been Cheating Kit
There's no easy way to say it, but it doesn't have to get you ganked. Protect yourself while you reveal what a dick you are. Comes with a titanium athletic cup, ear plugs, kevlar vest (for heart stabbings), mouth guard, pup tent, replacement cell phone, change of clothes and VHS copy of The First Wives Club; a parting gift to start the healing. But The Kid Ain't Mine expansion pack also available.

10) "Stop Reporting Forest Fires" T-Shirt
The code of the streets says 'Stop Snitching'; now the code of the woods can finally be included in you wardrobe! By wearing your "Stop Reporting Forest Fires" t-shirt, you can let all those punk-ass bustas know that what happens on your acre stays on your acre. Ain't nobody's bidness who started what or what's burning down, son.