Tuesday, December 30, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear 75% Of The Property Owners Residing On Belleview Place Between Oakland and Downer Avenues*,

Unscientific Breakdown of Area Residents:
College students who just want to be able to get to their cars - 65%
Old folks who remember when stuff you used to be here that isn't here anymore - 15%
Residents of peculiar passion, ie. 'crazy people' - 10%
Bohemians (who really like coffee) - 4%
Fish & Game - 4%
Fairy folk (these may just be children) - 2%
Note: Fish & Game and Fairy folk/possible children have in the past voted as a bloc to hedge out Bohemians.

I hope this letter finds you well. Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? Hannukah? Kwanzaa? Heathen Tree Renewal Day? The Sun God Festival? Deep Atheistic Sighing Day?*2

I'm writing this morning to apprise you of my own Christmas wish. Namely that you get off your ham/turkey/tofu/tofurkey/latke/no longer bleating, sacrificed goat-eating*3 asses and salt your sidewalks.

It's true, we have had two consecutive days without measurable snowfall. However, melting snow combined with overnight freezing temperatures creates icy patches the likes of which could lead to people (even he-man types like myself) looking like uncoordinated dorks and breaking their ass bones. While the merits of salting to get rid of ice can be debated by the greatest minds of SCIENCE, the traction afforded by little crystalized particles CANNOT. I'm not going to debate you, East Side.

True, this is not the stretch of sidewalk in question, but it illustrates my point better, so you're going to have to fool yourself into believing it is. Or is the magic gone from your life?

No, the time for debate is over. Now it's time for taint punches for the unwilling and less powerful taint punches for the unable.*4 Unless you've got some iron underwear, you best get salting.*5

What's worse? Chafing or a bruised undercarriage?

* A small percentage of the interweb's constituency, but a vital one for my nefarious purposes. A seven block stretch at six in the morning, with little light, seems like the expanse of the world on four hours sleep.

*2 I'm going to assume you did because I have no way of asking each of you individually, and truth be told, don't really care. It's a pleasantry to ask, nothing more.

*3 While this list is not all-encompassing as to the options available to you for celebratory dinners, if you ate anything else, you are probably a shifty loner who deserves scorn. Don't like it? Get on board the approved food train.

*4 Sorry, invalids. I've got to keep it fair.

*5 I know not everyone received the gift of iron underwear this year, but I can't resist boasting about mine.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Have You Heard The Good News?

There's a nice review of Rival Angels on Ain't It Cool News*. Why is that good news? Because Rival Angels is the labor of love perpetrated on the interweb by my friend Alan Evans. He's a good guy, it's a fun read, and I am being paid to write this*2.

Also, I'd be missing a great whoring opportunity*3 if I neglected to mention that an upcoming chapter, on the origin of Sun Wong*4, is written by some dork named Justin Riley*5.

* Yes, it is cool.

*2 Not really. No "Blagojeviching" here.

*3 And I get so few of those now that I'm on government assistance. Actually, is it "whoring" if you don't get paid? Is pro bono "whoring" really "slutting" or "skanking"? Deep thoughts.

*4 The coolest titular Angel, IMHO.

*5 Obviously a pseudonym.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Joyous Season Of Giving

Sure, they probably won't be 'door busters'.........

1) The Back Fat-alizer
"It's just a re-purposed backpack leaf blower", you say?. Not if you've got the back of a fat guy. Fill the tank with diesel, strap it on and vibrate your way to a smooth and sexy spine.

2) Where's Your Messiah Now?: A Norwegian Death Metal Holiday
Featuring Santaface, The Doom Carolers, Electric Viking Funeral,
The Headless Children of Oslo Choir, and many more.

3) Delicious Replacements Edible Prostheses
Do you find yourself forgetting to bring dessert to family gatherings due to your psychological scarring after 'the incident'? Out on an impromptu 'survivors picnic' when your sweet tooth starts acting up? Here's the answer you've been hoping for (other than a magical restoration of your wholeness)! Available in milk chocolate, dark chocolate, vanilla, and cinnamon.

4) Fancy Shmancy I'm A Writer Kit
Want everyone to know you write? What better way then by telling them in every way possible? Kit includes a near professional-quality photograph of you in a variety of backdrops; - leaning against the hood of your vintage car, - with your cat glasses hanging alluringly by a stem from your teeth, - underlit extreme close-up to make you look dangerous, - on a bridge in Prague, the cold no match for the devastating cold in your soul, - with goofy, just woke up hair that says "I'm THAT ambivalent", and others. Along with the dynamic photograph, there are seven different book formats available to affix it to the back of (Books do not come pre-written; that's your job). Also included, a prepared obituary to fit your aspirations; available in Gonzo Journalist, World-Weary Traveler, Dynamic Futurist, Manly Hooker Beater, Gay Terrorist, Criminal Writing From Death Row, Spunky Manhattanite, Foreign National With A Far Better Appreciation of America's Promise, Slam Poet and Cougar. More styles to come!

5) MegaFun Stabby Ball
It's like Hot Potato, except someone gets stabbed. For ages 4 and up - any younger and they just don't appreciate the danger they're in.

6) Personal Racist Monkey
Hate people based on geographic or cultural differences but don't want to be 'that guy'? Now you can let your racist monkey do your dirty work for you! Trained to hate using the most cutting-edge behavioral modification programs, racist monkeys come with a variety of crude t-shirts espousing their/your views, and are the perfect scape goats! Coming Soon: Sanctity of Marriage Parrots!

7) One Man Bailout Kit
Need a hand up, but don't own a multinational corporation?! Now there's hope for you!! From subterfuge to criminal enterprise, The OMB Kit has you covered!!! This kit includes fancy letterhead appliques, forged balance statements regarding your many 'offshore holdings', 'letters' from your 'workers' promising violent retribution for your pissing away of their 401ks, and if all else fails, a stiletto and a .38 special.

8) Things To Do Desk Planner
An attractive imitation leather planner with a different scientific, artistic, medical or social breakthrough listed on each day. Accompanying these achievements are special motivational messages such as: "What have YOU done today?", "...but eating Cheetos and watching the America's Next Top Model marathon is good, too.", "For some people, just avoiding jail time is an accomplishment.", and "Wonder if anyone would even care enough to check your house and make sure you haven't died."

9) Baby, I've Been Cheating Kit
There's no easy way to say it, but it doesn't have to get you ganked. Protect yourself while you reveal what a dick you are. Comes with a titanium athletic cup, ear plugs, kevlar vest (for heart stabbings), mouth guard, pup tent, replacement cell phone, change of clothes and VHS copy of The First Wives Club; a parting gift to start the healing. But The Kid Ain't Mine expansion pack also available.

10) "Stop Reporting Forest Fires" T-Shirt
The code of the streets says 'Stop Snitching'; now the code of the woods can finally be included in you wardrobe! By wearing your "Stop Reporting Forest Fires" t-shirt, you can let all those punk-ass bustas know that what happens on your acre stays on your acre. Ain't nobody's bidness who started what or what's burning down, son.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Neil Gaiman and Free Speech

It will come as no surprise to those who know me well that one of the namesakes for my son is Mr. Gaiman. A recent blog posting of his exemplifies one of the reasons why. Aside from the fantastic work he puts out in book and comic form, he's also a thoughtful and diligent defender of free speech and argues such here.