RIP George Carlin

Stop letting other people tell you what you can say.

What I Learned While Transferring My Old Blogs To This Site

Here are some things I have learned while archiving my old blog posts onto this keen new site of mine:

- I am a wordy fuck*.

- It is not "too soon" to joke about Jerry Falwell or Charlton Heston*2.
- If there is a God, and he cares, I'm totally, divinely cocked.


- Keep your therapy. Give me a keyboard, a monitor, and the delusion that someone, sometime will accidentally stumble upon my "Cthulhu '08" joke and I'll be golden.

- "Yo Chill, don't bump the table!"*3


- If there was any way to hire Rich Little to voice the Ronald Reagan mummy without paying a ton of money and/or being told to investigate 'solitary procreation', I'd do it.

- The post about rap music, while it had some good points, was all over the fucking place.

- Peter Jackson could have saved a ton of CGI money and hired Pat Robertson to play Gollum in the Lord of the Rings movies.*4

- There are certain subjects that it's never occurred to me to blog about.
My intelligence as compared to a fifth grader.
My two years before the mast.
Meat Bikinis.
The good news.
The ways of the ninja.*5



* Evidenced by my reliance on footnotes.

*2 Reap it. Reap it dead.

*3 Who remembers House Party? The first one. The good one. Not the one with the pajama party, or the one with Immature as Kid's nephews. And damn sure not the one where Immature 'inherited' the franchise. I'm talking about the one with Robin "It was so hot in here last night, I thought I saw The Devil!" Harris.

*4 When he dies, I might have a party.

*5 Because they're imaginary. Don't believe me? I'll prove it. "Hey, ninjas? If you're real, strike me down. Come on, I dare ya..

......

......

Thought so.

Stupid, pajama-wearing jerks. Anyway, as I was say-OW! What is this? A dart? Where the Hell did that come fr- THUD!

I'll Be Lying To You Now

Today I've begun transplanting all of my old MySpace blog posts here to ye olde, newe, interweb addresse*. This will be a grueling process full of swearing and unchecked despisal (and it won't be easy for me either, wokka, wokka, wokka*2). So, when the archive links on the sidebar say I posted something in 2007, they're complicit in my subterfuge and will therefore be consigned to the flames of torment for all eternity when I die*3. Enjoy your day*4.

*'e's for all!

*2 Fozzie Bear, ladies and gentlemen.

*3 Harsh but fair.

*4 I don't mean to tell you how to live. I apologize.

"you may well arrive at the conclusion that planets are ubiquitous." But Why Would You Want To?

European astronomers have located three so-called 'Super Earths' 42 light years from us.

Artist's impression of the trio of super-Earths discovered by an European team using the HARPS spectrograph on ESO's 3.6-m telescope at La Silla, Chile, after 5 years of monitoring. The three planets, having 4.2, 6.7, and 9.4 times the mass of the Earth, orbit the star HD 40307 with periods of 4.3, 9.6, and 20.4 days, respectively. (Credit: ESO)

What the article doesn't tell you* is that all three have made contact with Earth already. The largest planet sent an envoy who seemed eerily familiar to the astronomers:

His message was drowned out by the schoolgirl-esque shrieking from the German contingent present in the room*2.

The second-largest sent this message along with what appears to be an image of their leadership:

"The Royal Family extends it's greetings. Party up! USA! USA! USA!"

And the smallest sent this guy:

"Hiya. My Dad sent me to pick up some dodos we forgot to take with us in the last rapture. Anybody seen 'em?"

Perhaps not coincidentally, the tomb of Ronald Reagan exploded*3, revealing his mummy. Not surprisingly, it has begun speaking to passers by:

"Now who's overreacting, you SDI naysayers! I was worried about Darth Vader or other forthcoming Sith Lords*4, and you've got to deal with a Knight Rider planet, space alcoholics and a disappointed Jesus*5." and "Speaking of Jesus; how come I'm not with you, Big J? Oh. Right. Never mind."

* Damned, monkey-run media!

*2 Like Norm MacDonald says, "Germans love David Hasselhoff."

*3 The eldritch power used to bind presidents in their tombs is spotty in the best of times. Thanks, El Nino!

*4 Reagan gained his extensive Star Wars knowledge while attending key parties at George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch in the cocaine-addled 1980s.

*5 'Disappointed Jesus' is my newest goth band name.

Good Bloomsday To You

Yes friends, it's June 16th*. The day every year when literary geeks and Irish culture dorks*2 gather 'round in pubs and tip many shots to celebrate Leopold Bloom and his day. Most of them, myself included, do so having never read Ulysses. The shame!

I'll do better next year, I promise*3. In the meantime, here's a poorly organized collage...






* Unless you're reading this later than June 16th. If that's the case, I can't help you.

*2 The crossover between these two groups is stunning.

*3 Note: Promise is for entertainment purposes only, as said promisor is typing with his fingers crossed.

Bill Moyers, Demigod

If you know me or have read my opinion on such matters*, you know I hate the media. I hate the media like monkeys hate peanut butter*2. However, deep inside the jewel of my hate*3, there lies a tiny imperfection. An imperfection so small and unnoticed by the untrained eye that it doesn't get decent ratings and can only find a home on lefty public television*4. That imperfection is Bill Moyers. If Batman was a reporter, he'd be the Jimmy Olsen to Bill Moyers' Lois Lane*5.





* And if you haven't, why haven't you? Is it because I'm a woman? Well, I'm not.*6

*2 Never heard of that, huh? Monkeys hate all spreadable condiments, but peanut butter more than any other. That's precisely the kind of thing the monkey-run media is keeping from you.

*3 The jewel of my hate is an onyx, because I'm old school and crazy jewels meant to symbolize emotions should have 'x's in them. Or 'z's. "Topaz of my hate" sounds too much like a ghost story in Car & Driver magazine.

*4 Can you imagine right-wing public television? Nope. You can't. Your head would leap off your neck and chuck itself into a Skullfuckers Anonymous meeting*7.

*5 I know I'm mixing my Batman metaphor in with a cast of Superman metaphor. I'm not stupid.........just geeky enough that no other metaphors felt as apt.

*6 A Hillary swipe. Now my day can begin.

*7 I don't think they really hold those meetings, but you could call Library Ready Reference, I guess.

This Is Not My Rap, My Rap Was Good

Growing up, I listened to your standard fare for the mid-80s/mid-90s, city-dwelling American adolescent. Stuff like Tesla, Metallica, and Guns 'N Roses existed in a magical cultural limbo alongside N.W.A., Public Enemy, and The Geto Boys. Kids like me heard little difference between wicked riffs and phat beats*.

Axl Rose and Bushwick Bill; separated at birth? Only the headscarf shopkeep knows the truth.

Adults back then were scared. Scared that listening to rap music would turn their kids into uneducated, violent thugs. Sure, some of us turned out that way, but in those instances I'm wondering a bit about inevitability. See, most of the kids who stole car stereos and dealt dimebags of weed while listening to

"Step in my path, your ass is void
Cause I'm an aerodynamic, satanic, schizophrenic android"

were bored, felt misunderstood (even in the suburbs), and wanted to belong to a group of like-minded outcasts so they could feel important, feel a part of something. For the ones who went too far in emulating their favorite gangstas, I'd have to draw the parallel between that and some kid who shaved his head, slapped on a pair of Doc Martens and suspenders, and beat up black kids while listening to 'white pride' bullshit music. Some kids are shitty individuals for whatever reason, and if they're going to be troublemakers, the only element in question is what they'll use to justify it.

I listened to my share of ho-slappin', cap-peelin', cocaine-slangin' rhymes, and I have never:

• slapped a ho
• shot anybody
• or dealt drugs

Why? Because I:

• don't know any hos
• don't own a gun
• and don't like retail

Rap is more easily singled out by concerned parties*2 because, as a genre, the emphasis is on bragging about what you're willing to do/have done/can't stop doing*3. Rappers create conflict, court controversy and cash in on condemnation*4. Of course, being singled out is exactly what fans of hip-hop are craving. Being noticed is the new American dream, whether it's for a good reason or because you entered somebody's pet chinchilla into a wet t-shirt contest*5 (condescending edit: a 'wet t-shirt contest' is/was slang for being shot. wet=bloody. if you figured that out already, I'm sorry for my lack of faith in you.).

"Break yo' self, fool!"

Somewhere along the line, in the process of growing up, I realized that I don't care how tough the people who make the music that I listen to are. I also realized that at this point in the life of rap music, continuing with the same themes, same brags, same 'portrait of an inner-city youth, crawling up through the dope game' narrative is no better than recycling beats and remixing your song fifteen times. When PE said "fight the power", they were opening eyes to the fact that there was 'a power' to fight. The people who took that to heart have been fighting for a long time to open peoples' eyes to the fact that rapping about hustle and including one 'I love my family' tearjerker on your album is like wallowing in filth and then complaining that you stink. The gangsta rappers of today (the authentic ones, anyway) took the message of N.W.A. and used it as a blueprint, when they should have been using it as a warning.

Who'd have guessed that Professor Griff would be the second-most damaging person in this picture to PE's legacy?

While not much has changed in the rap game in twenty years, there are some signs of truth breaking through, little by little. I'm pleased to say that there are some cracks showing in the pimp facade of rap*6 (thanks to Blender*7):

50 Cent is a big, hungry tiger who should not be taunted

Un-hip-hop is the new hip-hop

When's the last time a rapper publicly acknowledged the slim chance he stood in a fight (especially regarding another rapper), or copped to liking a smart, skinny white girl*8?

I think I've heard a Lil Wayne (right) song, but I'm not sure. If I did, it didn't grab me. But, regardless of what I think about his music, and even if he shoots a prostitute in the face with a bullet made out of cocaine tomorrow, I'm glad in this instance that somebody said something unexpected, out of the ordinary and hip-hop.

?uestlove from The Roots (left) having a realistic exchange in a magazine is not surprising to me, but he, and they, damn sure need more recognition.






I'm not saying there's no place for Petey Pablo's crunk party raps, because there is (I'm looking at your stripper pole, Team Awesome). I'm just saying I'd like my rap to have grown up with me, and started being honest about who we both are and what we want from each other*9.


* I mean kids who were tone deaf.

*2 Haters.

*3 anything/everything/murdering people

*4 A lifetime of reading about Peter Parker, Reed Richards, Bruce Banner, and Wally West has readied me for attempting alliteration anytime (see?).

*5 Gaining recognition for killing a chinchilla is only the good kind of recognition if said chinchilla is breaking into your home with the intent to hurt your family.

*6 So-called 'Nerdcore Hip-Hop'/'Geeksta Rap' doesn't count. Music mags can talk all they want about a geek revolution in hip-hop, but from where I was sitting in 1989, it was all geek music. Cool for liking rap? Tell that to my friends and I as we sat in the basement, listening to Dopeman, playing the Marvel Superheroes roleplaying game, and avoiding intramural athletics.


*7 Yeah, I read Blender. It's a looong bus ride. Wait, you know what? I don't need to apologize to you! You got a problem with me readin' Blender? In the words of Dr. Dre:

"I'm hot like lava
You got a problem?
I got a problem solver
and his name is revolver"*10

*8 Who was dead wrong about the Democratic primary, by the way. Just ask Tracy Morgan.

*9 Don't expect me to wait forever, Rap. AltCountry is a really good listener.

*10 Note: I do not, in fact, have a problem solver. If you have a problem, I'll be happy to try and work something out.

Soon I Will Be Invincible Out In Paperback

Repost?! Whaaaa?

What can I say; my best days are obviously behind me. Let's all just follow these links to a duad (that's my new word that doesn't exist) of posts I typed up for The Inside Flap waaaayyyy back in May/June of last year. (Note: The first one is on this site, too. I'm just sayin'.) Austin Grossman was nice enough to not only write a really great comic book novel, but also to expound upon it and other topics of interest at my request.

Soon I Will Be Invincible is newly out in paperback, and available at bookstores both good and evil (the day I include a B&N link is the day I vote Republican), and through websites both happy-making and sad-making (ditto for an Amazon link).


Soon I Will Be Invincible Recommendation

Austin Grossman Interview

Buy the book (or any good book), support good causes (artistic and commercial), and who knows, some day, maybe we can all read something new.........together.........once I.........write.........it.

Vice President of the Jerk Store, Maybe

Remember when I used to write about the good books I'd read recently? Seems like an election ago. Wait, the presidential election is still forthcoming? Shiiiiit.

On to the news…*

This is awesome in a way that only people fed up with false nicety and convenient sincerity can truly appreciate*² (thanks to Wonkette).

My Dream Obama*³: "By the power of Grayskull, you traitorous fuck!"*⁴

Since he's standing up to one useless sack of fakery, why not run the table?

My Dream Obama: "If you tell me all the shit that you said about me was just 'campaign talk' I will reinforce some very negative stereotypes right here, right now."

Just say 'no' to HillBill*⁵, Obama.

Quoting myself from an email I wrote yesterday*⁶…

"My gut says no way in imaginary Hell could Obama bring Hillary onto the ticket as VP. Doing so would undercut his position as the top of the ticket, invite (rightful) cries of 'Hypocrite' from the crowd who came to Obama as an alternative to old school Washington, allow the Republicans to activate Clinton Attack Plan 117 (linking the Clintons to Nazi war atrocities and attendance of clown college)*⁷, and make him seem weak and bullied into putting her on the ticket.

Hillary's pluses on the ticket could be delivered by a number of other options*⁸, whereas her liabilities are unique to her. What's the surest way to motivate the conservative base who doubt McCain's anti-abortion stance and worry about his 'lenient' immigration policies? Give them Hillary to attack, and continue to provide Bill with an outlet to further toilet his dwindling legacy with asinine remarks and holier-than-thou, dish it out can't take it, wounded, red-faced finger wagging (Oddly enough, I really liked Clinton at one point, and can't quite nail down when that stopped).

I'd like to see Feingold or Kucinich, but neither one of them have an upside apart from being legislators with conscience (and who says that's an upside in an election; only a dreamer like me*⁹)."


* Note: I am not the media. Ratings mean jack to me and my wallet is empty.

*2 Intelligent people, essentially.

*3 He exists in my dreams, making perfect sense and pimp-slapping all who still can't seem to get onboard.

*4 It took me a while, but I have now referenced He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Whew, glad that's been accomplished.

*5 HillBill, Vol. 2 had a bangin' soundtrack. The RZA is a genius.*¹⁰

*6 Because I'm awesome. No, seriously, I only have so many thoughts a week, so I do what I can to milk them to death.

*7 Via 'Six Degrees of Joseph Goebbels: The Party Game for Jerks and Assholes'

*8 Wearing a mesh hat sporting a freight company logo and handing out copper anti-arthritis bracelets etched with DoNotResuscitate instructions spring to mind. That's right, I swiped at blue collars and oldies at once. Live with it.

*9 I'm not the only one.

*10 That was an awful long way to go to make a Kill Bill joke. Sorry.

The Warren Ellis Love-In Continues...

As if I needed another validation of my confidence in and respect for Warren Ellis.*

Ellis on Obamania

Hot damn!

*There are no footnotes in this post. Except this one.