Shrugality

When listening to rap music (as I have been wont* to do as of late), you've got to come ready to hear boasts and brags about all manner of things. Clothes, jewelry, cars, jail time, body counts, bedroom conquests, mad skills that are capable of paying bills, etc. Sometimes this is good:

"Yo, I speak at schools a lot cause they say I'm intelligent
No, it's cause I'm dope, if I was wack I'd be irrelevant"*2

Sometimes it's good and terrible:

"Don't try to treat me like I ain't famous
My apologies, are you into astrology
Cause um, I'm tryin' to make it to Uranus"*3

More often than good or terrible, these boasts are tired. There's only so much you can say about how good you are, how good you have it, how good you can sex it up right. Particularly out of style and downright inappropriate are the money boasts. In today's economy, people aren't trying to hear how much money someone else has*4. In the months to come, the true revolutionary MCs will play up their shrewdness and frugality*5. I'd like to offer a helping hand in the form of recession-proof rap boasts*6:

Ain't got no love for Seamus,
This life I live is nuts,
Turns out that I'm so famous,
Get discounts on my haircuts

I appeal to your honey,
And you know I'm gonna,
She'll travel in style,
I'll call a cab if I wanna

Go 'head and call your boys,
You makin' all that noise,
I got the Pennysaver,
Found a discount on Ben 10 toys

Zirconia on my hand,
Sterling silver 'round my neck
Switch to the store brand,
Savin' up my rebate check

Cash put you up on that mountain,
But just now I ain't got any,
Yesterday, dove in a fountain,
Found three quarters and a penny

Girl, I'll treat you right,
Hop into my Saab,
Eat McDonald's tonight,
Then go look for a job (sing-song: In the mornin')

While you catalog shop,
Spendin' all that cash,
I'm at the co-op,
In the used menswear stash

Got a money market account,
I play it conservative,
The return isn't great,
But the stability's superlative*7

Note: If you're someone who came back to this blog after reading my previous post and expected a similar level of discourse, I have failed you.


* Wont is a word I have never heard in a rap song.

*2 Talib Kweli "Beautiful Struggle"

*3 Kanye West (guesting with Jadakiss) "Gettin' It In"

*4 See my previous post, and the lives of everyone you know who wasn't in Forbes magazine this year.

*5 The term 'shrugality' is ready for the streets.

*6 NOT recession-proof rap BOATS; buying a boat right now is ridiculous unless you plan to live on it.

*7 Yes, this is what I did just now instead of looking for a job. Why do you ask?

What I Learned While Transferring My Old Blogs To This Site

Here are some things I have learned while archiving my old blog posts onto this keen new site of mine:

- I am a wordy fuck*.

- It is not "too soon" to joke about Jerry Falwell or Charlton Heston*2.
- If there is a God, and he cares, I'm totally, divinely cocked.


- Keep your therapy. Give me a keyboard, a monitor, and the delusion that someone, sometime will accidentally stumble upon my "Cthulhu '08" joke and I'll be golden.

- "Yo Chill, don't bump the table!"*3


- If there was any way to hire Rich Little to voice the Ronald Reagan mummy without paying a ton of money and/or being told to investigate 'solitary procreation', I'd do it.

- The post about rap music, while it had some good points, was all over the fucking place.

- Peter Jackson could have saved a ton of CGI money and hired Pat Robertson to play Gollum in the Lord of the Rings movies.*4

- There are certain subjects that it's never occurred to me to blog about.
My intelligence as compared to a fifth grader.
My two years before the mast.
Meat Bikinis.
The good news.
The ways of the ninja.*5



* Evidenced by my reliance on footnotes.

*2 Reap it. Reap it dead.

*3 Who remembers House Party? The first one. The good one. Not the one with the pajama party, or the one with Immature as Kid's nephews. And damn sure not the one where Immature 'inherited' the franchise. I'm talking about the one with Robin "It was so hot in here last night, I thought I saw The Devil!" Harris.

*4 When he dies, I might have a party.

*5 Because they're imaginary. Don't believe me? I'll prove it. "Hey, ninjas? If you're real, strike me down. Come on, I dare ya..

......

......

Thought so.

Stupid, pajama-wearing jerks. Anyway, as I was say-OW! What is this? A dart? Where the Hell did that come fr- THUD!

This Is Not My Rap, My Rap Was Good

Growing up, I listened to your standard fare for the mid-80s/mid-90s, city-dwelling American adolescent. Stuff like Tesla, Metallica, and Guns 'N Roses existed in a magical cultural limbo alongside N.W.A., Public Enemy, and The Geto Boys. Kids like me heard little difference between wicked riffs and phat beats*.

Axl Rose and Bushwick Bill; separated at birth? Only the headscarf shopkeep knows the truth.

Adults back then were scared. Scared that listening to rap music would turn their kids into uneducated, violent thugs. Sure, some of us turned out that way, but in those instances I'm wondering a bit about inevitability. See, most of the kids who stole car stereos and dealt dimebags of weed while listening to

"Step in my path, your ass is void
Cause I'm an aerodynamic, satanic, schizophrenic android"

were bored, felt misunderstood (even in the suburbs), and wanted to belong to a group of like-minded outcasts so they could feel important, feel a part of something. For the ones who went too far in emulating their favorite gangstas, I'd have to draw the parallel between that and some kid who shaved his head, slapped on a pair of Doc Martens and suspenders, and beat up black kids while listening to 'white pride' bullshit music. Some kids are shitty individuals for whatever reason, and if they're going to be troublemakers, the only element in question is what they'll use to justify it.

I listened to my share of ho-slappin', cap-peelin', cocaine-slangin' rhymes, and I have never:

• slapped a ho
• shot anybody
• or dealt drugs

Why? Because I:

• don't know any hos
• don't own a gun
• and don't like retail

Rap is more easily singled out by concerned parties*2 because, as a genre, the emphasis is on bragging about what you're willing to do/have done/can't stop doing*3. Rappers create conflict, court controversy and cash in on condemnation*4. Of course, being singled out is exactly what fans of hip-hop are craving. Being noticed is the new American dream, whether it's for a good reason or because you entered somebody's pet chinchilla into a wet t-shirt contest*5 (condescending edit: a 'wet t-shirt contest' is/was slang for being shot. wet=bloody. if you figured that out already, I'm sorry for my lack of faith in you.).

"Break yo' self, fool!"

Somewhere along the line, in the process of growing up, I realized that I don't care how tough the people who make the music that I listen to are. I also realized that at this point in the life of rap music, continuing with the same themes, same brags, same 'portrait of an inner-city youth, crawling up through the dope game' narrative is no better than recycling beats and remixing your song fifteen times. When PE said "fight the power", they were opening eyes to the fact that there was 'a power' to fight. The people who took that to heart have been fighting for a long time to open peoples' eyes to the fact that rapping about hustle and including one 'I love my family' tearjerker on your album is like wallowing in filth and then complaining that you stink. The gangsta rappers of today (the authentic ones, anyway) took the message of N.W.A. and used it as a blueprint, when they should have been using it as a warning.

Who'd have guessed that Professor Griff would be the second-most damaging person in this picture to PE's legacy?

While not much has changed in the rap game in twenty years, there are some signs of truth breaking through, little by little. I'm pleased to say that there are some cracks showing in the pimp facade of rap*6 (thanks to Blender*7):

50 Cent is a big, hungry tiger who should not be taunted

Un-hip-hop is the new hip-hop

When's the last time a rapper publicly acknowledged the slim chance he stood in a fight (especially regarding another rapper), or copped to liking a smart, skinny white girl*8?

I think I've heard a Lil Wayne (right) song, but I'm not sure. If I did, it didn't grab me. But, regardless of what I think about his music, and even if he shoots a prostitute in the face with a bullet made out of cocaine tomorrow, I'm glad in this instance that somebody said something unexpected, out of the ordinary and hip-hop.

?uestlove from The Roots (left) having a realistic exchange in a magazine is not surprising to me, but he, and they, damn sure need more recognition.






I'm not saying there's no place for Petey Pablo's crunk party raps, because there is (I'm looking at your stripper pole, Team Awesome). I'm just saying I'd like my rap to have grown up with me, and started being honest about who we both are and what we want from each other*9.


* I mean kids who were tone deaf.

*2 Haters.

*3 anything/everything/murdering people

*4 A lifetime of reading about Peter Parker, Reed Richards, Bruce Banner, and Wally West has readied me for attempting alliteration anytime (see?).

*5 Gaining recognition for killing a chinchilla is only the good kind of recognition if said chinchilla is breaking into your home with the intent to hurt your family.

*6 So-called 'Nerdcore Hip-Hop'/'Geeksta Rap' doesn't count. Music mags can talk all they want about a geek revolution in hip-hop, but from where I was sitting in 1989, it was all geek music. Cool for liking rap? Tell that to my friends and I as we sat in the basement, listening to Dopeman, playing the Marvel Superheroes roleplaying game, and avoiding intramural athletics.


*7 Yeah, I read Blender. It's a looong bus ride. Wait, you know what? I don't need to apologize to you! You got a problem with me readin' Blender? In the words of Dr. Dre:

"I'm hot like lava
You got a problem?
I got a problem solver
and his name is revolver"*10

*8 Who was dead wrong about the Democratic primary, by the way. Just ask Tracy Morgan.

*9 Don't expect me to wait forever, Rap. AltCountry is a really good listener.

*10 Note: I do not, in fact, have a problem solver. If you have a problem, I'll be happy to try and work something out.

Justin Pimps Yet Another Book.........This Time It's Personal!

As some of you may know, I do things other than read. Writing comics, for example. This week, I'm proud to announce the (self) publication of a trade paperback comic book collection I had a hand in. Sawdust: The Workshed Anthology is the collection of the four issue comic series of the same name put out by myself and the 'Shed Heads over the past year. It's chock-full of solid storytelling and eye-catching art; if you like action and adventure (ie. you are NOT a Jedi), check it out. Sawdust is available on the Workshed Studio web site (12 smackers and free shipping), Wizard World Chicago (special 10 buck convention price), and choice comic shops in the Milwaukee area (12 shekels and you get it with no waiting and a minimum of costumed fan interaction).

Still not convinced? Well, if you're in Milwaukee, here's some more food for thought...

Fun facts about Workshed Studio

-Workshed Studio is a group of local comic creators.

-Alan Evans (writer/artist Worldwide Solutions) was kicked out of The Taskmaster's Training School after repeatedly asking him to mimic wrestling moves.

-Radames Malave (writer/artist Ebon Guard) was convicted of a crime he didn't commit, but probably would have committed had he thought of it.

-Justin Riley (writer Worldwide Solutions, Fade) has all the rage of the Hulk, but none of the accompanying proportionate strength.

-No one at Workshed Studio has ever shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Not in Reno.

-Workshed is based in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

-Alan has encyclopedic knowledge of early gangsta rap, and will quote it extensively with no provocation.

-Radames "ain't scared of no ghosts".

-Justin doesn't feel sorry for anyone working on the Death Star. It's called THE DEATH STAR! Lousy fascist collaborators.

-No one at Workshed knows the meaning of the word 'quit'. We will be a buying a dictionary soon.

-Did we mention we're from Milwaukee?

-Alan owes a LOT of money to the 'wrong people', but would like to keep his thumbs. So buy the book, please.

-Radames once hired, and then promptly fired the A-Team when it became apparent that they couldn't shoot straight.

-Justin has danced with The Devil in the pale moon light, and doesn't see what the big deal is.

-Workshed loves you for your mind. Everything else is just gravy.

-Milwaukee, Milwaukee, Milwaukee!

I'm done whoring for now. Whoring for funnybooks, anyway.