Birthday and Daily Attempt

Two and a half months, you say? Bullshit. That can't be right. Anyway, here's some pictures of my babies and some cake. So begins the "Justin tries to update every day and probably stops after two consecutive days" TNOTBEM extravaganza*.

The badass sandcastle cake was baked by the lady of the house, but the pestle-ing of the graham crackers into a facsimile of sand par excellence was all me.





As my daughter Niamh turned a year old, I finally decided to help her with something. Prior to this, I had a strict hands-off policy in place. You'll notice that my "future glasses"*2 are hiding the shame in my eyes.




Niamh is about to go all 'Sean Penn'*3. Guess who's playing the part of the papparazzo?






Here's Neil. We go way back. Must be five years if it's a day...

Oh God, I'm so old.








Once I was a man (arguably). Now I am hammock.







* It's not going to be exciting, people. But then again, it hasn't been an exciting two and a half month silence, either.

*2 My future glasses are proof that not all drunken drug store purchases need be cause for regret. And they're red. Haven't worn red since the "Converse Debacle of 1996".

*3 No, she's not about to argue passionately for human rights. The other Sean Penn thing. With the punching and the yelling of obscenities. Tiny fists and "big girl" words are an adorably effective way to get knocked unconscious.

The Wisdom Of Crowds......Of Two

My almost six months old daughter has figured out that magic word: 'Mama'. She now uses it (almost exclusively in my presence) whenever she wants comfort or to register a complaint. She drags the second syllable out just long enough to sound urgent, but not so long as to annoy.

To mark this august occasion, I thought I'd present some of the wisdom and linguistic tactics she will be learning from her almost five years old brother in the years to come.

The Dairy Children
"I want milk!"
"I want cheese."

1) The 'Hallelujah Chorus' from Handel's 'Messiah' should be sung as "Halle-yua! Halle-yua, Halle-yua!"

2) Sesame Street takes place in 'Yew Nork'.

3) Asking 'Are you proud of me?' after farting is hilarious, and doesn't ever get old.

4) Whenever you don't get what you want, crib your arguments from teen television shows.

Neil: "Did you bring me anything, Dad?"
Me: "Nope. Not today. Sorry, buddy."
Neil (immediately): "You're not the only person in the world! I'm here, too!"
Me: "I don't know what that means."

5) If Dad ever expresses annoyance in regards to a song, it is a weakness to be exploited. Strike hard and often, barraging him with the tune at every opportunity. To get you started, try the "I like to move it, move it" song they used in 'Madagascar' and most of the songs featured in the Shrek movies.

6) 'Please' and 'Thank You' are often necessary in getting what you want, but don't 'give away the store'. Every time Dad has to remind you to say them, he will feel a little more like an authoritarian codger.