Skeletor: Political Pundit

Hello, America. I am Skeletor. Rightful Lord of Eternia and fighter for freedom against Prince Adam and his repressive regime. I’ve been told that my adventures have been serialized in television and comic book form as He-Man and The Masters of the Universe. What a television is, I do not know. Justin has graciously allowed me to pontificate on his ‘log’ today to address a topic vital to your national prosperity*.

It’s a what? Blog? B-L-O-G? What the shit is a blog?

Mmhmm…….ah……hmmm……really? Web log? Is that like what Webstor uses to sneak into Castle Grayskull? No? Ummm, help me out here. Internet? Magic images and words flying into boxes using electricity? What’s electricity? Is that like a torch? Never mind. It’s beside the point!

"Web log? Nope. Just webs. I can web a log if you'd like, my lord."

No, I’m not being stubborn! You’re being stubborn! Fine! Whatever! Magic boxes filled with ideas and opinions. Sounds great. I didn’t know how people all over the world could read a stump, but now I see what I did there. Aaaanyway.

I have it on good authority; namely intelligence gathered from the ‘enhanced interrogation’ of Man-At-Arms, that one of the humans seeking to become your leader, John McCain, is having difficulty picking a running mate. I know; he chose Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. She’s conservative, she’s tough on community organizers*2, she’s got an ever-expanding brood, she’s a slam run, right? Home dunk? Forgive me, I don’t follow your various ball games. Either way, Palin is a strong choice. Or is she?!

"Guantana-what? Where's my lawyer?"

Personally, I don’t get the whole running mate thing in the first place. Who wants someone else in the room when they make the peasants do ‘the sexy dance’ for a flagon of water? That’s personal. But, it’s your screwed up system, I’m just here to tell you how to think.

Palin. The name sounds good. Pale. Pale is good. Pale is like white, and we all know that only white people will be voting in the election. Take it further; ‘pailin’, as in pailin’ some water to dunk dissident faces into. On the other hand you’ve got Biden. Biden sounds like ‘bidin’’. Biding your time until you can raise taxes! Zing! Take that tax-ocrats! Or maybe it’s more like ‘biting’. Biting the multinational corporate hands that feed you! Who wants a Vice President who won’t play ball games with big interests. They call them interests because they’re interesting! Don’t bite them!

By the way, I know some of you have marveled at Palin’s previous comments wondering what a Vice President does all day. Give her a break; do you know?! I know I didn’t know until I thought about it as a known unknown and then I knew*3. Vice President is the President of Vice. The President of Evil. Just look at the current Vice President if you doubt me. Dick Cheney wages wars to pad his wallet and secure the distribution rights to oil from a region that keeps this country embroiled in ethnic and cultural battles that have been going on for generations and show little sign of stopping. Beautiful. He orchestrates the outing of an intelligence official for being married to a critic of his war efforts. Nice! He shot an old man in the face! What more could you ask for*4! That’s some good Vice Presidenting right there!

Now, Evil-Lyn aside, I’m not a big fan of women in government. In fact, keep this on the QT but, she used to be a dude. She was known as Jerkus. True story. But, she’s an evil sorceress, so what can you do? If she wasn’t a part of my ruling cabinet, she’d probably cause ‘little Skeletor’ to fall off or something. You people have decided to let women participate in your government, so you’ve got your rope; just don’t hang yourself with it when they nag. Am I right, fellas? Heh.

"'Little Skeletor' is right."

Playful misogyny, what a wonderful thing. Now, down to brass tacks. Sarah Palin seems like a good choice, but there are many others to choose from when her scandals force her to ‘voluntarily’ remove herself from the ticket*5.

1) Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum

He’s got name recognition among the kids.

"I am Santorum."

2) Current Vice President Dick Cheney

Bet you didn’t know there isn’t a two-term limit for Vice President! Ha! Keep the dream alive, Dick!

"I wanna crush some bunnies!"

3) Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld

He knows how to go to war, and you just know he’s chomping at the bit to ‘regime change’ the fuck out of some Eternians...uh I meant Iranians.

"Why isn't your skull exploding?!"

4) Political columnist and author Ann Coulter

Yeah, she’s a woman, but the Evil-Lyn exception applies to her on the

basis of the voodoo powers she exhibits by continually finding a publisher for her increasingly entertaining neocon screeds.

"If you read each one of my books, you'll get progressively dumber. It's called 'preparation for the next Ann Coulter book'."

5) Beast Man

He may be an incompetent ninny, but he knows how to toe the conservative line better than Joe Lieberman. Also, he’s a member of the key ‘orange ape-man’ demographic. With him on the ticket, you will win every state in the union that has a tropical jungle area.

"Orange ape-men love forced democracy!"

So, there you have it. My suggestions for a McCain VP. You may ask yourself, or me, ‘Why no Karl Rove?’ Simple. He’s advising my campaign and you can’t have him. This is Skeletor, signing off.

The opinions of Skeletor do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Name Escapes Me.

* In fact, the graciousness of his allowance had more to do with the sleeping gas emitted by Kobra Khan, the snake man.

"Just let it happen, Riley."

*2 Eat it, people trying to help other people!

*3 Did somebody say “Poet Laureate”?

*4 Keep in mind, puppy kicking is impossible for a man with balls as big as Cheney’s.

*5 Let’s face it; Palin’s got more baggage than a Polygamist Mormon family on vacation.

Just A Regular Guy Who Wants To Be Your Prez

So, John McCain doesn't want to admit to owning seven houses*. Why? Oh, maybe because it plays against his strategy of appearing down-to-Earth, poor white male-friendly, and anti-intellectual. Anti-intellectual? Yep.

Here's a statement from McCain's advisor, Brian "Don't Call Me Mr." Rogers*2.

"In terms of who's an elitist, I think people have made a judgment that John McCain is not an arugula-eating, pointy headed professor-type based on his life story."

So, because he doesn't eat arugula and he isn't a 'professor-type', John McCain is better suited than Barack Obama to be president? I don't know about anyone else, but after eight years of the Bush presi-duncy (genuine stupidity) and eight years of the Clinton Shucks-idency (feigned stupidity; which is actually a little more galling in retrospect), I'd find a professorial tone in the White House a breath of fresh air. As far as 'pointy headed', I'm not sure McCain touting physical characteristics as important will work out too well. The man's essentially a corpse*3.

"CLEAR!!!"

KKKZZZTTTT!!

"HUH?! WHA?! Bomb 'em!"

Here's the thing; much as I don't care who each candidate prays to, I also don't care how many houses they have. Or if they hang out in Hawaii. Or if they eat yucky vegetables. There is no way for a politician to pretend that they're not rich. In my four-person household, 100k a year would seem like filthy richitude. No candidate is going to be able to convince me that they're personally in touch with my financial situation. That point is moot.

Protein from green vegetables helps the body function at peak efficiency.

What is relevant is how these men have interacted with the poor/working poor. Obama? Got out of school and worked with poor people (maybe actually breathed the same air!). McCain? Got out of school and dropped bombs on them. I don't think most of those North Vietnamese villagers cared one way or another about a Cold War. They were probably more concerned with napalm obliterating their houses, crops and families. I might be wrong.

Granted, Obama was never heroically captured and tortured. G.I. John has definitely got him beat in that category. I know I'd like my leadership to have deep psychological scars that informed his outlook on foreign relations. Wouldn't you? That kind of snark might be out of bounds if McCain's camp didn't keep bringing his torture up as a mark of 'normal guy' status. Witness...

"This is a guy who lived in one house for five and a half years -- in prison,"; also Rogers.

So, once again, to clarify; being tortured as a POW makes you a better leader. Sorry, but until the entire country is held prisoner in Southeast Asia, I don't see the experience gained as being germane. McCain does get 'tough guy points' though. However, he loses them just as fast for toeing the line with the Bush administration's 'enhanced interrogation' euphemisms*4.

What do I look for in a leader? Smarts. I don't want a 'regular guy' in the White House. I want a fucking superhero! I want somebody smarter than me with more genuine compassion than I have. If our president is normal (or in the case of Bush Part 2 sub-normal) in these areas, what's the point? Elected office should be something aspired to and hard to attain. 'Normal guys' don't have what it takes, and that's exactly the point. Now, before anyone screams "Elitist!", let's ask a real question with a real answer. Don't we want the 'elite' to represent our country to the rest of the world? I don't mean the monetarily elite (who I'd suggest are better called 'the assholes' in most cases), or the familial elite (there's a reason we broke from a hereditary system*5), or even the ideological elite (surely an entirely subjective status; some 'reg'lar Amurkans' would consider the Fox News stable to be ideologically elite). When I say elite, I mean it in the true sense of the word; better at their job than everybody else.

Sure, you could make the case that plenty of evil people are elite by that definition. That's the rub. That's the choice. Pick the ones who aren't actively engaged in evil. What's evil? Enforcing your morals on others is one of my definitions (and certainly, enforcing them with 'Democracy bombs' qualifies). Another definition of evil is advocating for the 'haves' from a bully pulpit. These people/corporations don't need any help; they're bleeding us dry just fine, thanks.

Evil is ignorance given power. Ignorance is not stupidity. Stupidity is impossible to overcome, and therefore just something to be pitied. Ignorance is a choice to continue not knowing. Not knowing how the world works; not knowing how to argue your ideas without a superpower's military to back you up; not knowing enough to see that your policies are hurting people unneccesarily (here and overseas); not knowing how many houses you have because you do know, but a part of you feels shameful for it when there are still people starving and dying all over the world; not knowing the value of the environment (and I don't mean the price of oil); not knowing how to be a human being with the best interests of us all in mind (plenty of politicians know how to be an American; congratulations, but that's not going to be enough if you want to keep the planet sane enough to inhabit).

To summarize:

- A good president needs intelligence (perhaps even 'professor-type' levels)

He went on to earn his law degree from Harvard in 1991, where he became the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review. Soon after, he returned to Chicago to practice as a civil rights lawyer and teach constitutional law.

- A good president needs compassion (that doesn't end at their eyeline)

Speaking at Murrells Inlet VFW Hall in South Carolina, McCain was asked when he thought the US Military might "send an air mail message to Tehran."

"McCain began his answer by changing the words to a popular Beach Boys song," the Georgetown Times reports.

"'Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran,' he sang to the tune of Barbara Ann," the paper notes.

- A good president needs to not be evil (hard to find when evil parades as patriotism)

The AP reported yesterday that U.S. exports to Iran “grew more than tenfold during President Bush’s years in office.” When a reporter informed Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) of the story, noting that “America sent more cigarettes to Iran…than any other products,” McCain said, “Maybe thats a way of killing them.” After being poked in the back by his wife, McCain quickly added, “I meant that as a joke!” — presumably one similar to his bomb Iran “joke.”

Some reporters dismissed McCain’s new Iran “joke,” suggesting that it is perhaps just part of his “regular guy” persona, an endearing quality for a man running for an office that commands the world’s strongest and most advanced military:

NBC’s Chuck Todd: “That’s what makes him real and that’s what makes people who disagree with him say ‘ah, you know what? The guy seems like any guy you’d want to have around the dinner table or the bar stool.’”

CNN’s Jessica Yellin: “People who love him think his a maverick and think he’s a real guy who makes a joke off the cuff just like real people do [but] we’re all waiting to see if something explodes, this kind of comment doesn’t.”

- A good president needs to know (his people's problems, his world's realities, which countries border which)

Senator John McCain has spent the week trying to tell people that he feels their economic pain. So it was more than a little unhelpful when one of his top economic advisers was quoted Thursday as saying that the United States was only in a “mental recession” and that it had become a “nation of whiners.”

Although McCain insists he is no George W. Bush, his campaign is stacked with advisers who played key roles in shaping the Bush administration's Middle East policies, including the disastrous plan to launch a preemptive strike against Iraq that has cost taxpayers nearly $1 trillion, resulted in the deaths of more than 4,000 US soldiers, and hundreds of thousands Iraqi civilians.

With these hardcore neoconservatives now directing McCain's foreign policy there is every reason to believe that a McCain administration would continue to try its goal of implementing a Pax Americana in the Middle East through preemptive military action.

Asked by Diane Sawyer whether the "the situation in Afghanistan in precarious and urgent," McCain responded: "I think it's serious. . . . It's a serious situation, but there's a lot of things we need to do. We have a lot of work to do and I'm afraid it's a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq/Pakistan border."

But as ABC's Rick Klein noted: "Iraq and Pakistan do not share a border. Afghanistan and Pakistan do."

- A good president nee-

"A GOOD PRESIDENT NEEDS THE POWER OF THE MUMMY'S CURSE!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I'VE ABANDONED VOODOO ECONOMICS IN FAVOR OF MUMMY-BASED DIPLOMACY!!!

Oh no, it's Mummy Reagan!!! RRRUUUUUNNNNN!!!



* Seven is a spiritual number, JoMac. Just tell the bible-suckers you wanted to be closer to Jeebus and they'll understand.

*2 The ghost of Mr. Rogers also asks that you don't call Brian Rogers 'Mr. Rogers', because he doesn't want to be associated with a douche bag posthumously.

Mr. Rogers

Brian Rogers

*3 I hear that Joe "Eeyore" Lieberman's official cabinet position in a McCain presidency would be Secretary of Continued Vertical Positioning.

McCain: "You've been very supportive of me, Joe. I thank you."
Lieberman: "No need, old chum. It's been a tremendous workout. Now I don't have to learn what a 'pilates' is."

*4 If I beat and rob someone, can I call it 'enhanced personal fundraising'?

*5 Or at least pretended we did. Even back to the Adams boys, it's still been all in the family in American politics. No offense to Ted, but some of those damn Kennedys are dumber than a box of rocks and occupy positions above their competence because 'good Catholics' create dynasties to rival the pharaohs. Don't tell Mummy Reagan.

Vice President of the Jerk Store, Maybe

Remember when I used to write about the good books I'd read recently? Seems like an election ago. Wait, the presidential election is still forthcoming? Shiiiiit.

On to the news…*

This is awesome in a way that only people fed up with false nicety and convenient sincerity can truly appreciate*² (thanks to Wonkette).

My Dream Obama*³: "By the power of Grayskull, you traitorous fuck!"*⁴

Since he's standing up to one useless sack of fakery, why not run the table?

My Dream Obama: "If you tell me all the shit that you said about me was just 'campaign talk' I will reinforce some very negative stereotypes right here, right now."

Just say 'no' to HillBill*⁵, Obama.

Quoting myself from an email I wrote yesterday*⁶…

"My gut says no way in imaginary Hell could Obama bring Hillary onto the ticket as VP. Doing so would undercut his position as the top of the ticket, invite (rightful) cries of 'Hypocrite' from the crowd who came to Obama as an alternative to old school Washington, allow the Republicans to activate Clinton Attack Plan 117 (linking the Clintons to Nazi war atrocities and attendance of clown college)*⁷, and make him seem weak and bullied into putting her on the ticket.

Hillary's pluses on the ticket could be delivered by a number of other options*⁸, whereas her liabilities are unique to her. What's the surest way to motivate the conservative base who doubt McCain's anti-abortion stance and worry about his 'lenient' immigration policies? Give them Hillary to attack, and continue to provide Bill with an outlet to further toilet his dwindling legacy with asinine remarks and holier-than-thou, dish it out can't take it, wounded, red-faced finger wagging (Oddly enough, I really liked Clinton at one point, and can't quite nail down when that stopped).

I'd like to see Feingold or Kucinich, but neither one of them have an upside apart from being legislators with conscience (and who says that's an upside in an election; only a dreamer like me*⁹)."


* Note: I am not the media. Ratings mean jack to me and my wallet is empty.

*2 Intelligent people, essentially.

*3 He exists in my dreams, making perfect sense and pimp-slapping all who still can't seem to get onboard.

*4 It took me a while, but I have now referenced He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Whew, glad that's been accomplished.

*5 HillBill, Vol. 2 had a bangin' soundtrack. The RZA is a genius.*¹⁰

*6 Because I'm awesome. No, seriously, I only have so many thoughts a week, so I do what I can to milk them to death.

*7 Via 'Six Degrees of Joseph Goebbels: The Party Game for Jerks and Assholes'

*8 Wearing a mesh hat sporting a freight company logo and handing out copper anti-arthritis bracelets etched with DoNotResuscitate instructions spring to mind. That's right, I swiped at blue collars and oldies at once. Live with it.

*9 I'm not the only one.

*10 That was an awful long way to go to make a Kill Bill joke. Sorry.

Wright Or Wrong: This Time, It's Political

Fast heading to top billing on my ’Don’t Give A Fuck About This Anymore’ marquee? Barack Obama’s former pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Is he anti-American? Is he pro-Black Separatist? Is he a Skrull?*

"SUPER Skrull! Not just regular Skrull. Sorry, I get a little defensive sometimes."

Who gives a fuck?! Not I, as the previous paragraph should have indicated.

First off, as a self-identified atheist it makes me uncomfortable that any and all candidates for political office tout their ’good Christianity’. "I’m agin’ it", as the prospectors say. From my perspective, a candidate who says he or she is active in their church is at best like telling me that they enjoy romance novels (distasteful but inconsequential), and at worst like telling me that they might pull off their face and *POP* reveal Pat Robertson’s*2 gremlin mug.

"What’s ’taters, Precious? What’s ’taters?"

So, who a candidate chooses as their inoculation against anti-religious bias (it exists, and it’s just as ugly as any other bias) means less than zero to me. I understand that to make it in American politics you’ve got to appeal to likely voters (old folks, zealots, rich folks who want to stay rich but seem compassionate by tithing (these people need an acronym); bonus points for the double parenthetical; eat that, English majors!), but can’t we just leave it at the comfortably vague "I’m a person of deep personal faith."? Sure, that faith could turn out to be faith in Cthulhu, The Dweller In The Darkness*3, but once again, this makes no appreciable difference to me. Besides, if the candidate was really worshipping Cthulhu, we’d vote for him as a result of the mind control.

"Cthulhu ’08! ROOOOAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!"

Why all the furor over Wright? He said some stuff along the lines of "America killed more in Hiroshima and Nagasaki than were killed on 9/11". I’m sorry; is this not true? He’s said some stuff along the lines of "black Americans have been marginalized and persecuted by the government". Waitaminute………that’s true too. He’s said some stuff along the lines of "9/11 woke people up to the hatred toward America that is festering around the world due to imperialist actions". Well, surely we already knew about the hatred out there for America………and what? Ignored it? Good strategy. We should blame Barack Obama because his pastor made accurate points?

Before I get carried away coming to the aid of a man of the cloth, let’s re-state the premise here. I don’t care who Barack Obama prays with. It matters the same as whether he wears an American flag pin, puts his hand on his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance, or double dips his Fritos Scoops*4. Window dressing. Unimportant.

I’m more concerned that any candidate I’d vote for as a progressive liberal feels the need to attend a church at all; chances are, the pastor/reverend/priest/minister/rabbi/preacher/houngan would more likely than not oppose equal protection and opportunity under the law for gay and lesbian couples and a woman’s right to reproductive choice. Both of these are key liberal beachheads, and we’re willing to cede them to some degree whenever we indicate preference for a candidate who subscribes to institutionalized religion. But, somehow, no one on the left needs to clarify their support of those types of ’leaders’.

Also, since Hilary*5 seems to like citing Obama’s connection to Wright………

"Thanks for your support during this whole Lewinsky thing, Reverend Wright. Rest assured, when my wife runs for president and cites her partnership in policy crafting and diplomacy during my term, this will not come back to bite her on her privileged ass in any way."

* Shapechanging aliens out to conquer Earth. Read a comic book already!

*2 Shapechanging alien out to conquer Earth. Also likes Jesus; hates Hugo Chavez.

*3 Mind-controlling Great Old One out to conquer Earth. Read some Lovecraft already!

*4 Salty corn chips out to conquer Earth………with delicious results.

*5 Clinton. "Democratic" Senator just to the left of Joe "McCain/Lieberman" Lieberman.